Random Thoughts

As the leaves fall off the trees they trigger many a memory. Some are really recent, some aren't. September begins a series of dates of meaningful people in my life. It seems always to be a time of great introspection, from now through the beginning of  November, there are anniversaries of births, and deaths that have affected me profoundly. 
 Birthday include my father, my oldest son and my best friend whose birthday was 9/11. Octobers birthdays are that of my mother, an Elder Tub, the Godfather of my children, John. 
 September is also a month of deaths, one on 9/3/14; another on  9/14/14; a few years back was the death of one of my education mentors Barbara Hall. Right around the corner is October, which floods my mind with fun memories of my mother and that of dear John, for it is also the month that he passed.
 It is a gray time, emotionally for me which tend to flow out through random writings.

Awaiting the seasonal winds to blow away some of the internal chaos, to gain clarity to enjoy the present that much more.
 Falling leaves, falling tears, tears of healing, tears of sorrow,  tears of joy.

 I cared very much about my mother when she died, yet it came down to money. My mother was cremated, it had never been discussed prior to her death. I choose from by following the patterns of the majority of  my mother's immediate family and cost effectiveness.
We brought our own container in which to place her ashes, we choose the cardboard box rather than the more expensive pine box. All in all, it still was a price out of our range. We borrowed the money to take care of what had to be done until we could sell some of her possessions.
My mother was in great debt even prior to her illness,it was a huge challenge to say the least.
 When it came to giving her a funeral or memorial, again to do so in what has become an expected way, would have cost us more of what we did not have at that time.
 Through the help and guidance of  many a dear friend we came up with a plan. We picked my mother's favorite place to spend time. It happened to be a park that had a stream with ducks, an annual pow-wow that she loved to attend, great times with old friend, family, and lots of trees.
  I got word to family and friends, I gathered up photo albums, some subs from a local deli, some beverages, and paper goods. We sat at picnic tables under the trees and shared.
 There was no clergy, no official to over see. There was an out pouring of love, remembrances and support. Not many attended and that was good, for I knew there were those such as my husband who do not have it in them to attend such gatherings.
 I was adopted by my Sister Dee, her husband Del and her family, a honor I will always treasure.
  The service or ceremony if you will, ended with myself, my niece Chey, and my nephew Kota walking the streams barefoot and laughing.  A wonderful way to end the day!
I have never regretted this day nor the way we choose to celebrate my mother's life.
 
In today's world it seems that there is a status associated everything. How much we spend on gifts, how much we spend on homes, how much we spend on clothing, baby showers, weddings, even memorials and funerals.
 There is a notion that one must spend lots of money, for then in some circles it states how much you care about a person.

 Thanks to an Aunt for sharing with me that on Sept 3 a good soul was called home and I for one am grateful he is no longer in pain.
Each person has their own way of dealing with death, some sit by a sick and loved one day and night, offering support in a way they see fit. Other's run away as far as they can, yet a few can see the illness in its truth, the truth of it's end result, and are of the mind set to remember then they way they were.
 Are any of these ways wrong, no just different. We knew that one day this would happen, heck it happens to all of us eventually.
 Whether or not there is a funeral or a memorial, does not matter, at least for my immediate family, for we had said our good byes in our own way, the way of the spirit.
 As spiritual beings the petty drama that people create in the end really doesn't matter. What matters is seeing the larger picture, the times shared with that loved one in ways no one else has. For every person has their own special relationship and special moments with that one person who has crossed over. Not everyone will know everything,well except for the person who crossed over.
 So long good soul, so long.