Rose Colored Glasses

8:39 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
It is so easy to get catch up in what "we" perceive to be true. My experience has been that when I share it with someone whom I trust, they often lend me another view to perceive the experience from.
 In some situations I can see it right away, through what feels like a punch right in the gut and an awful taste in my mouth.
 As I continue to grow spiritually, I often face fear which seems to create a pattern of one step forward and two steps back. Much of this has to do with fear of what other people think about me. For I have been such a people pleaser the majority of my life, it is fearful to let go of that thinking.
 I have been in a process of removing that "imprint" if you will from my life.  As I strive to grow, new insights, new people and opportunities flow into my life. Along with more love, laughter and good times.
 It is always easier to stay stagnate, be unhappy, and depressed. It is easier to believe that you have to keep running from yourself, to be the life of the party than it is to become your infinite self.
 Did I mention that it is easier to stay the way your are, rather that work at becoming...Becoming the capital T in Truth? Or the capital T in Transformation? Oh sure one can continue to life their lives as if they never read this and continue the hidden self destructive path they fool themselves into believing, and that is okay, for their life path may require that.
 As for myself, I will be happy to claim the titles of nut job, weirdo, insane, out there, and eccentric/ In fact I have become proud of those titles for I resemble them all! Here is to being 100% Lesa!

My View

9:01 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
 In my view, it is a parents responsibility to raise well rounded, responsible, courteous, open minded, independent, caring individuals to whom we will leave the future. We ought to give them roots, responsibilities, discipline, guidance, a good foundation, love and laughter.

  We ought to respect what our children chose to do with their lives, accepting them for who they are,  giving emotional support for who they are. We further ought to accept their chosen fields of employment,  even if these choices make us as parents uncomfortable when they are placed in dangerous situations for it is their life. A life they are living, it is not ours.

  My personal experience with raising children has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. No doubt mistakes have been made. I found that when I own my mistakes and take responsibility for them, it created a relationship filled with respect and love.


 I have encouraged my sons to be themselves even if it is against the trends of the current world. My sons owe me nothing. I chose to bring them into this world. I have no hidden nor unreasonable expectations. They know only thing I expect them to do, is to respect my wishes when my time comes. My sons and husband know exactly what those wishes are.

 In a nutshell, I expect my sons to go out and live their lives,  beholden only to their wife and children. Well, I guess to their employer too.

Reap what you sow

11:22 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
When you repeatedly discount the feelings of others that you claim to love and care about.
When you show no respect for those same people, does it really surprise you that they do not take time out of their day for you.
 
 If you ask me, it shouldn't.

 For myself personally, I have set aside my personal feelings for many a year, taken a lot of emotional hits, some intended, some not, to keep the peace. I have more or less forced the members of this household to attend necessary and important functions. We have done our best. However, we have gotten flack for not attending some functions. Having some knowledge of the function would have helped, some notice, maybe more than 3 days or the day of, might have helped, or maybe not mentioning that reservations had been made prior to your invite which anticipated a "no" response.
 For myself, the misinterpretation, the resulting pain was brushed under the rug. I forgive you but I haven't forgotten. I can only speak for myself.
  I must admit, that now I can no longer convince the members of my household to attend any functions. I am tired of trying.
  I am done with being in the middle of trying to keep this together, I am done being your personal door mat, I am done with being blamed for everything.
 Should you still feel the need to blame someone, try looking at how you have treated the ones you "so called " love and care about.

 I have been told to raise above and be the stronger person. Honestly, I have been doing that for years, all it has gotten me in this situation is more heart ache, more headaches and more emotional stress.

 Enough already!

Would you know

10:49 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
    Did you see her?
     She would be smiling most of the time that you were around her, but did you really see behind that smile?
That hidden world of pain and deception.  Please remember, that should you decide to read this, that there was  no intention of deceiving you out of malice, but out of protection.  Self protection, self preservation, and perceiving herself to be trapped within that hidden world.
  You see, that girl, could often been seen with bruises upon her chins, scratches on the inner side of her upper arms, marks on her neck that could be seen if her hair had been pulled back or up.
   She learned to hide well,how to deceive, to take on the persona of someone "normal" , she had too. She often would change for P.E. stealthily in the restroom stall to hide the bruises on her torso. Again, her life might depend on these  well thought out  movements. For should the police be called, she would be pitted between her abuser and the officer, believing she had no one else to turn too, no one to protect her, no one who would love her, she felt she had to protect her abuser.
     Through these experiences she quickly learned many ways of self protection,she kept people at arms length,bottling up her feelings, her pain, eventually turning in to anger. All the while making sure that, that the scared little girl was never seen.
     She survived by escaping by whatever means she could, music, writing, running. Running for escape from the life she could not believe she was born into.  Never wanting to be at home, fearful of the next attack, walking on egg shells, trying desperately to not trigger the rage.
  Learning how to bottle that tension, grinding her teeth in her sleep, easily startled by  unexpected noises, even sometimes exploding with anger. 
  Somehow through all of this she will succeed, she will have strength beyond her knowing, mostly she will know that she will need guidance, and support for her to succeed.  Slowly, she will peel away the layers of protection until the real person, a whole person will emerge much like a butterfly that emerges from a cocoon.
  She will see that the life she imaged as a child can be obtained, that she could fulfill her desires to be a good person, a person with heart and compassion.  Maybe, just maybe there was a reason, that she was born to the life she was or will be born to. Maybe she will be an advocate to raise awareness of child abuse, maybe she would be an example of how to over come oppression, anger and deception. Maybe teaching others how to embrace the future, not forgetting the past but embracing the past too. For if it was not for the past she would not be who she will become, or who she will be.

Transformation

12:30 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It seems almost dream like the past several years.
    Someone once told me I was looking for something or someone, it seems he may have been right. Although I admit that he might have been right, I see now that he didn't have a clue, as nor did I.  Somewhere along the road I became lost, a loss of self. For those who don't not understand, it may very well be because you haven't walked in my shoes nor lived my life.
 It turns out that I have always been looking for someone. Now, don't be one of those who say, you just didn't have faith...because if it wasn't for my faith I would have never survived my childhood, teen years and certainly not to live as long as I have. Faith is personal, personalized to that persons understanding of a loving Creator, Supreme Being, God and or Goddess.
  What I found was that I was looking for me, who I am, what I am, my purpose in life, and the pure beauty of all life.
  I now understand, what I am, a am a person with talents and gifts from the Creator. I am a person who really cares about people, has true feelings for others. I see all the beauty that life has in store for us.Sometimes, I can share through words, through photographs and/or through crafted items that I have created, which reflect beauty that is all around us each and every day. My purpose in life is to allow Creator to work through me, to be a good individual, to walk a good path and be me. The real me, not the one hiding behind someone else, nor the one who uses past transgressions as a shield,nor allows the thoughts of others to detour my course, and not to allow negative thoughts and feelings to become an anchor, ball and chain, or a box that I can not break free from.
 I have been feeling the need to write to share, yet the time had not seemed to be right until a few days ago. When I realized that I had allowed someone else's thoughts and feelings about a writing of mine become that anchor, that ball and chain, that major obstacle.
 Whatever roads I have walked, the pains that I have felt, the joys that I have shared my life walk has been a beautiful journey its self. To self, which allows more of me to open up, be available for Creator to enter and share what I have been asked to do.
 This part of the life walk that I had just completed, started many years ago, when I allowed myself to stop having a voice. Stopped having compassion for my partner in my marriage. Stopped being supportive. I used to blame it all on the job he hated and it wasn't until this passed month, when we were camped at Spider Rock campground that the blinders were removed.  To the Elder who may one day read this, Thank You! I did not learn your name, I received the message just the same.
 Hind sight, I should have known...
 Spider...
 Spider Rock...
 Spiders everywhere I looked, I believe that is a sign for me to weave my words to share; to weave my designs into art and to share my beliefs. With hope that all will find their peaceful mind, their loving heart and soaring soul.
 ~Lesa

Dear Mom

11:40 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
It has been 7 years since your passing, Mother's day once again around the corner. So much has changed and in some ways stayed the same. Same difficulties with some of the same people, still battling myself in areas of my life, and learning what you have always said., " Lesa, some people you just have to keep at arms length".
There are so many things that you taught me, whether or not, you thought I ever did. (SMILE) I have finally learned to be responsible for my actions (ha ha ha, have you fallen on the floor yet?). I have learned to appreciate the simpler things in life, like a day gardening in the yard, not having to be on the go all the time, keeping myself busy. I guess that it because I am truly happy with my life.
Oh, I have questions I had wished I had asked when you were here in the planet about our family, your life as a child and the name of the cat that was raised with Cindi the black cocker spaniel.
Most of all I wish to say, I love you Mom and I miss you very much! Yet, I know that you are in a very wonderful place, a place of peace. That makes my heart like with joy for you.

As I reflect I see that this year will be the first year in 7 that I will have both boys around, what a special gift...the first year friends thought I should be at Rendezvous for Mother's day, that turned out not to be such a great idea on so many different levels. Rendezvous was great, but I wasn't. That next year Christopher was in Georgia or on his way to Iraq, and the years have kind of jumbled together from there.
A special thank you for keep an eye on Christopher from above. Thank you!
It is much to say thanks for and I am lucky enough to have my boys who don't need Mother's day to do something special for their mom...for they say "Mom's should be thanked everyday, not just on "Mother's Day".
The little thank you's that happen everyday, means a lot, not just for me, but to everyone in everyday life.
I love you Mom~

Success and Prosperity

6:18 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Having an open mind is only part of the equation for success and prosperity in all areas of your life. An open heart, willingness to accept that you are a good person and that you are worthy of love, light, happiness, success and prosperity in all levels/aspects in your life is another part of the equation. 

~Lesa Beliakoff-Bielman

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