Remembering Linda
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Remembering Linda, my mother, my sometimes sister and often later in life my daughter. "You Jest" you say. I say "Not!". Funny when you grow up depending on only one another it can breed a very interesting, strange and strained relationship.
In hind sight, I am sure that much had to do with my mother's own up bringing, combined with the loss of her mother at the age of 24 with many things left unsaid, unresolved and no understanding of the whys in her life.
By the age of 30 Linda also lost her sister, her only sibling and her 4 young nephews. In some ways she had lost her sister years before due to lifestyles that we unacceptable to Linda. Not only were they unacceptable (hippy era); drugs and rock n roll, which proved to be at times life threatening.
As Linda moved through these situations they changed her, as with all of the life experiences had, in time although very capable, Linda grew more fearful every year. Lossing more and more self- esteem, confidence, and in some ways the loss of her life force.
By the time I was in 5th grade, I was responsible to have dinner pretty much done when she arrived home after work, I cooked, cleaned, reluctantly did the dishes ( I honestly hid as many as I could instead of doing them), did the laundry, mowed the lawn and yes even washed the cars. I would make sure my mother got up in the morning to make it to work, make the coffee. We had one of those coffee pots that had a pot on the bottom and a funnel like top, as the water would boil, it would come to the top of the funnel and it needed to simmer for just a few, if it went too long...it would boil all over the top of the stove making one heck of a mess.
So yes, maybe now you can see why I was "mother" too.
Sisters at times. I hope I never forget, going to the Induros, a type of motorcycle race based on time management and skill, with Glen (step-father~kind of). We would walk to the outhouse together, my mother was scared to death to be by herself, and on the way back to where our camp was, she would start running, then she would start laughing. In turn I would start running and I too would start laughing to a point that we would have to run back to the out house to relieve ourselves again. Sometimes it would take us an hour for our "little walk". Those experiences still bring a huge smile to my face.
Or that funny little thing that she used to do when it was cold out side. We would get into the car or inside our warm home and she would jump and make a eer sound. What's really funny is that I didn't notice it until a friend of hers pointed it out one time, then it caused us both (mom & I) to laugh everytime we noticed her doing it.
I miss my mom.
You know what I thought was very strange and for the longest time I could not grasp was my mother's jealousy. How showed itself...she would pick on me, she would try to impress me and what I didn't get for even a longer time...she would try to compete with me, she would become so annoyed when I wouldn't compete along with her. Frankly I didn't have a clue.
Strange what will pop into your head at moments like these, I can distinctly remember Christopher and I sitting in a car talking waiting for Grandma Linda to do whatever it was she was doing. When I looked at him and said, "I hope you never feel the way I do about your grandmother, about me". He looked over at me and said "don't worry mama, I love you". In response I said, "You don't understand, I love my mother very much, I don't like a lot of what she does". That gave me some real insight.
Just before my mother passed, I remember her actually telling that she was jealous of me, in spite of her wanting me to have a better life than she had had. She was jealous that I had all that she had wanted. A real partner in life (Shaun) and a good relationship with my boys. She added "Even if you are too hard on them". That cracked me up, her telling me I was too hard on them...didn't she remember how hard she was on me???
Which brings me yet to another wonderful memory of my mother. She had decided early on with the boys that instead of trying to fulfill their wishes on holidays & birthdays, also in attempt to curtail duplicate items from other family. My mother just took them shopping. She would hand them each x amount of money and then they had to decide what they wanted most within their budget. They would spend hours going store to store, aisle to aisle, until they figured out just what they wanted & could afford. You know everyone looked forward to that special time with their Grandma Linda.
Just some of the wonderful experiences I am happy that they shared with my mother.
(ldb)
In hind sight, I am sure that much had to do with my mother's own up bringing, combined with the loss of her mother at the age of 24 with many things left unsaid, unresolved and no understanding of the whys in her life.
By the age of 30 Linda also lost her sister, her only sibling and her 4 young nephews. In some ways she had lost her sister years before due to lifestyles that we unacceptable to Linda. Not only were they unacceptable (hippy era); drugs and rock n roll, which proved to be at times life threatening.
As Linda moved through these situations they changed her, as with all of the life experiences had, in time although very capable, Linda grew more fearful every year. Lossing more and more self- esteem, confidence, and in some ways the loss of her life force.
By the time I was in 5th grade, I was responsible to have dinner pretty much done when she arrived home after work, I cooked, cleaned, reluctantly did the dishes ( I honestly hid as many as I could instead of doing them), did the laundry, mowed the lawn and yes even washed the cars. I would make sure my mother got up in the morning to make it to work, make the coffee. We had one of those coffee pots that had a pot on the bottom and a funnel like top, as the water would boil, it would come to the top of the funnel and it needed to simmer for just a few, if it went too long...it would boil all over the top of the stove making one heck of a mess.
So yes, maybe now you can see why I was "mother" too.
Sisters at times. I hope I never forget, going to the Induros, a type of motorcycle race based on time management and skill, with Glen (step-father~kind of). We would walk to the outhouse together, my mother was scared to death to be by herself, and on the way back to where our camp was, she would start running, then she would start laughing. In turn I would start running and I too would start laughing to a point that we would have to run back to the out house to relieve ourselves again. Sometimes it would take us an hour for our "little walk". Those experiences still bring a huge smile to my face.
Or that funny little thing that she used to do when it was cold out side. We would get into the car or inside our warm home and she would jump and make a eer sound. What's really funny is that I didn't notice it until a friend of hers pointed it out one time, then it caused us both (mom & I) to laugh everytime we noticed her doing it.
I miss my mom.
You know what I thought was very strange and for the longest time I could not grasp was my mother's jealousy. How showed itself...she would pick on me, she would try to impress me and what I didn't get for even a longer time...she would try to compete with me, she would become so annoyed when I wouldn't compete along with her. Frankly I didn't have a clue.
Strange what will pop into your head at moments like these, I can distinctly remember Christopher and I sitting in a car talking waiting for Grandma Linda to do whatever it was she was doing. When I looked at him and said, "I hope you never feel the way I do about your grandmother, about me". He looked over at me and said "don't worry mama, I love you". In response I said, "You don't understand, I love my mother very much, I don't like a lot of what she does". That gave me some real insight.
Just before my mother passed, I remember her actually telling that she was jealous of me, in spite of her wanting me to have a better life than she had had. She was jealous that I had all that she had wanted. A real partner in life (Shaun) and a good relationship with my boys. She added "Even if you are too hard on them". That cracked me up, her telling me I was too hard on them...didn't she remember how hard she was on me???
Which brings me yet to another wonderful memory of my mother. She had decided early on with the boys that instead of trying to fulfill their wishes on holidays & birthdays, also in attempt to curtail duplicate items from other family. My mother just took them shopping. She would hand them each x amount of money and then they had to decide what they wanted most within their budget. They would spend hours going store to store, aisle to aisle, until they figured out just what they wanted & could afford. You know everyone looked forward to that special time with their Grandma Linda.
Just some of the wonderful experiences I am happy that they shared with my mother.
(ldb)
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