Random Thoughts

As the leaves fall off the trees they trigger many a memory. Some are really recent, some aren't. September begins a series of dates of meaningful people in my life. It seems always to be a time of great introspection, from now through the beginning of  November, there are anniversaries of births, and deaths that have affected me profoundly. 
 Birthday include my father, my oldest son and my best friend whose birthday was 9/11. Octobers birthdays are that of my mother, an Elder Tub, the Godfather of my children, John. 
 September is also a month of deaths, one on 9/3/14; another on  9/14/14; a few years back was the death of one of my education mentors Barbara Hall. Right around the corner is October, which floods my mind with fun memories of my mother and that of dear John, for it is also the month that he passed.
 It is a gray time, emotionally for me which tend to flow out through random writings.

Awaiting the seasonal winds to blow away some of the internal chaos, to gain clarity to enjoy the present that much more.
 Falling leaves, falling tears, tears of healing, tears of sorrow,  tears of joy.

 I cared very much about my mother when she died, yet it came down to money. My mother was cremated, it had never been discussed prior to her death. I choose from by following the patterns of the majority of  my mother's immediate family and cost effectiveness.
We brought our own container in which to place her ashes, we choose the cardboard box rather than the more expensive pine box. All in all, it still was a price out of our range. We borrowed the money to take care of what had to be done until we could sell some of her possessions.
My mother was in great debt even prior to her illness,it was a huge challenge to say the least.
 When it came to giving her a funeral or memorial, again to do so in what has become an expected way, would have cost us more of what we did not have at that time.
 Through the help and guidance of  many a dear friend we came up with a plan. We picked my mother's favorite place to spend time. It happened to be a park that had a stream with ducks, an annual pow-wow that she loved to attend, great times with old friend, family, and lots of trees.
  I got word to family and friends, I gathered up photo albums, some subs from a local deli, some beverages, and paper goods. We sat at picnic tables under the trees and shared.
 There was no clergy, no official to over see. There was an out pouring of love, remembrances and support. Not many attended and that was good, for I knew there were those such as my husband who do not have it in them to attend such gatherings.
 I was adopted by my Sister Dee, her husband Del and her family, a honor I will always treasure.
  The service or ceremony if you will, ended with myself, my niece Chey, and my nephew Kota walking the streams barefoot and laughing.  A wonderful way to end the day!
I have never regretted this day nor the way we choose to celebrate my mother's life.
 
In today's world it seems that there is a status associated everything. How much we spend on gifts, how much we spend on homes, how much we spend on clothing, baby showers, weddings, even memorials and funerals.
 There is a notion that one must spend lots of money, for then in some circles it states how much you care about a person.

 Thanks to an Aunt for sharing with me that on Sept 3 a good soul was called home and I for one am grateful he is no longer in pain.
Each person has their own way of dealing with death, some sit by a sick and loved one day and night, offering support in a way they see fit. Other's run away as far as they can, yet a few can see the illness in its truth, the truth of it's end result, and are of the mind set to remember then they way they were.
 Are any of these ways wrong, no just different. We knew that one day this would happen, heck it happens to all of us eventually.
 Whether or not there is a funeral or a memorial, does not matter, at least for my immediate family, for we had said our good byes in our own way, the way of the spirit.
 As spiritual beings the petty drama that people create in the end really doesn't matter. What matters is seeing the larger picture, the times shared with that loved one in ways no one else has. For every person has their own special relationship and special moments with that one person who has crossed over. Not everyone will know everything,well except for the person who crossed over.
 So long good soul, so long.

It is so easy to get catch up in what "we" perceive to be true. My experience has been that when I share it with someone whom I trust, they often lend me another view to perceive the experience from.
 In some situations I can see it right away, through what feels like a punch right in the gut and an awful taste in my mouth.
 As I continue to grow spiritually, I often face fear which seems to create a pattern of one step forward and two steps back. Much of this has to do with fear of what other people think about me. For I have been such a people pleaser the majority of my life, it is fearful to let go of that thinking.
 I have been in a process of removing that "imprint" if you will from my life.  As I strive to grow, new insights, new people and opportunities flow into my life. Along with more love, laughter and good times.
 It is always easier to stay stagnate, be unhappy, and depressed. It is easier to believe that you have to keep running from yourself, to be the life of the party than it is to become your infinite self.
 Did I mention that it is easier to stay the way your are, rather that work at becoming...Becoming the capital T in Truth? Or the capital T in Transformation? Oh sure one can continue to life their lives as if they never read this and continue the hidden self destructive path they fool themselves into believing, and that is okay, for their life path may require that.
 As for myself, I will be happy to claim the titles of nut job, weirdo, insane, out there, and eccentric/ In fact I have become proud of those titles for I resemble them all! Here is to being 100% Lesa!

 In my view, it is a parents responsibility to raise well rounded, responsible, courteous, open minded, independent, caring individuals to whom we will leave the future. We ought to give them roots, responsibilities, discipline, guidance, a good foundation, love and laughter.

  We ought to respect what our children chose to do with their lives, accepting them for who they are,  giving emotional support for who they are. We further ought to accept their chosen fields of employment,  even if these choices make us as parents uncomfortable when they are placed in dangerous situations for it is their life. A life they are living, it is not ours.

  My personal experience with raising children has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. No doubt mistakes have been made. I found that when I own my mistakes and take responsibility for them, it created a relationship filled with respect and love.


 I have encouraged my sons to be themselves even if it is against the trends of the current world. My sons owe me nothing. I chose to bring them into this world. I have no hidden nor unreasonable expectations. They know only thing I expect them to do, is to respect my wishes when my time comes. My sons and husband know exactly what those wishes are.

 In a nutshell, I expect my sons to go out and live their lives,  beholden only to their wife and children. Well, I guess to their employer too.

When you repeatedly discount the feelings of others that you claim to love and care about.
When you show no respect for those same people, does it really surprise you that they do not take time out of their day for you.
 
 If you ask me, it shouldn't.

 For myself personally, I have set aside my personal feelings for many a year, taken a lot of emotional hits, some intended, some not, to keep the peace. I have more or less forced the members of this household to attend necessary and important functions. We have done our best. However, we have gotten flack for not attending some functions. Having some knowledge of the function would have helped, some notice, maybe more than 3 days or the day of, might have helped, or maybe not mentioning that reservations had been made prior to your invite which anticipated a "no" response.
 For myself, the misinterpretation, the resulting pain was brushed under the rug. I forgive you but I haven't forgotten. I can only speak for myself.
  I must admit, that now I can no longer convince the members of my household to attend any functions. I am tired of trying.
  I am done with being in the middle of trying to keep this together, I am done being your personal door mat, I am done with being blamed for everything.
 Should you still feel the need to blame someone, try looking at how you have treated the ones you "so called " love and care about.

 I have been told to raise above and be the stronger person. Honestly, I have been doing that for years, all it has gotten me in this situation is more heart ache, more headaches and more emotional stress.

 Enough already!