Random Thoughts

There are times that I really feel sad, sad that other people may not have been blessed with a gift I have or are too fearful of it. You see I am lucky enough not to have to be in the presence of a person to hear their spirit talk, in fact they do not even have to be on this earthly plane, for me to hear them. I feel so blessed that Creator blessed me with this gift, I am grateful for Creator guiding me though my own fear of the unknown and what people would think, do think.
 I am so looking forward to other blessings Creator has bestowed upon me. If it were not for Creator these gifts and blessings would mean nothing.

I just had to share what an awesome man I am married too. He received this today! Woot Woot!

   For some there will come a time in their life that no matter how much they love someone they will have to let them go. I am not speaking about death as in life and death, yet it is a death on some level. 
    I have had a couple of really interesting views that have come to me, some might say it was a vision others may say an altered state of awareness. I do not consider it a dream for I was fully awake.
    I have several of these since the first of January, I do not feel the actual details will have any bearing of the information that I feel I learned from these awareness reels. Like an old fashion movie reel.
    One of the lessons I learned from this reel was that a person was placed in a situation to choose, to choose to between children. Alienating one or risk being alienated from from several others, in my reel the woman felt she had not real choice in the matter for she should never have to choose between her children. I was sad to see this from this facet or angle if you will.
    It reflected on a choice I made on a similar yet different situation in my own life. I choose and continue to choose the happiness of my immediate family. Thus having to let go of people who I really love, but are just too entrenched in drama, negative innuendos, painful remarks disguised as jokes, gossip and that old trait of back stabbing.
   It has been difficult yet, a necessary process for my own inner peace to transverse through.                
   Basically (as Christopher my son would say) if these traits defined our relationship, I have  pretty much distanced or removed you from my life. It does not mean that I do not love you or them any less, it means that I respect myself enough to not tolerated such relationships. My peace of mind, my happiness and that of my family, far out weight any that of any toxic relationship.
    Another lesson learned was to just let them go, no guilt, no resentment, no anger, no waffling, just to let these people go with love. As I let these people go, I send them love, light, wishes for happiness, health, and peace.
  And I move forward in my life, continuing my efforts for  a loving and happy experience, I continue to learn, love and grow.
  Thank fully I have not been in a situation that would make me choose one of my children over then other one. Have I had to let a child go? Yes, when my son joined the Army and was deployed on his first tour over seas. Wow! Was that tough! I just had to have faith in his life path, if he was meant to be with us he would remain relatively safe, if he wasn't I would have to handle that at that point in time.
  I love my children dearly but I also know that for their over all success in life I have to let them go, give them tough love from time to time and know that one day they will have to carry on without me. As my mother instilled tons of strength in me, I only hope that I have done the same for my sons.
  As each person is different, as each family dynamic is different, as each relationship is different, some of what I have shared my resonate with you other parts will disgust you. It is the nature of being human. As always it is not my intent to judge, I simply share my observations, experiences, strength and hope.

This is a pretty amazing young woman that I have had the pleasure of sharing a class with, I am sharing in hopes of helping just a bit.
http://www.gofundme.com/kdimhw

As life would have it, as I wish it to be, things have all worked out of my system. It was rather interesting how it all came about in such a perfect way. I was looking to really move forward in my life, removing any blocks that maybe holding me in place, not allowing for more growth, to be able to let go of "stuff" that is detrimental or of no use at all. I had one situation that no matter how much I thought I had let it go, something would trigger a backlash or moving miles backwards instead of making progress moving through it.
  This letting go, releasing kind of got pushed to the forefront on November 22, 2014. I was attending lodge, we had just closed it and one of our Elders spoke saying that some of the women had some deep emotional scars that were not let go of.  As I walked away I pondered the thought of how sad it was that some of the women had not yet healed.
     Ta Da! Wake up Lesa!
 As I realized that I had a LOT of emotional scars that I had not let go of, some very deep some at the close surface, I turned to look back at the lodge when a large brightly lit green meteor shot across the sky, right over the lodge. I took it as a sign to to get to work on these things, find out how to let them go fully.
  In the meantime I had began working on a personal project of 28 days of gratitude. It was December 12th when I posted the prep for day 15 which was to "magically heal relationships", after completing the post I made a list of who I was going to work on.
The next morning I read lots of posts on face book about letting go; the one that really caught my attention was titled "Release, release, release"! great post about removing "stuff" that had no purpose. Poetically timed I might add for that evening was lodge. PERFECT! I prepared by doing the suggested instructions on magically healing relationships, gathered my items for lodge and really focused on the thought of giving to the fire, the ancestors and spirit of the rocks.
 Oh I had a few doubts about how well it would work, but once I was settled in, next to the rocks (my preferred place to sit) and the sweat began, it just flowed. Many many scars left me that night, praying all the while that old wounds would not be ripped open again. 
 When I left lodge that night on December 13, 2014; I felt so light, ethereal, that I really felt like I could float or fly away. What an awesome gift to be blessed with, I am honored and humbled by this gift, to such a point I have not the words to convey the feeling.
 Did it work? Yes, indeed! It is so wonderful to hear about that situation and have no uncomfortable feelings at all about it, I can not begin to share how totally worth it, it is.
 As always I share these random thoughts in hopes that someone can avoid some of what I have been through, for others to know that they may not be alone, with the overall hope that this might help some one some day.
 Remember those 2 very special words as you walk your road in life, Thank You!
 Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 This is an older post that I decided to post after a nice talk with my Sis Dee and with some encouragement from my Cousin Mark T.

    As I have had many a battle with myself, I see each battle brings more strength, self respect, self love and a voice. I have lived much of my life without a voice. That old saying a child should be seen and not heard, just about says it all.

    Yet, my biggest battles have been in the past eleven years, most likely it was just too much all at one time and it surfaced in many different ways. The combination of my mother passing away, my oldest child graduating and his leaving the nest, off to serve in the military. All of this was much to much for me to handle, overwhelming me, little did I know at the time.

    I felt as if very few understood what I was going through. What most, hardly anyone did not know, was that my husband was also in a very difficult place in his life, not happy with his occupation at the time, feeling trapped, with all the pressures (which I was unaware of) of providing for his family. Add to that mix he had no idea how to help his mate, which he wanted so badly to help.

      I did find some peace through the introduction of a traditional healing sweat lodge, a loving friend who became family and  her family. Yet, it wasn't enough or so I thought at the time.
Let me pause, it would seem that I need to back up a bit.

     There had been a constant tug of war between my side of the family and my husbands side of the family about holidays, birthdays and the like. For me being the only child of my mother, I always felt conflicted, for my husband had other siblings, several of which were still at home. I didn't understand why there was such lack of understanding, a lack of sharing.

   Of course my mother and I did not have the best of relationships, I did not like many of her actions, yet I loved her so very much. From various counselings, teachings,  and reading, one thing that I learned, was in order to hate someone or their actions, one had to admit that there was love too, other wise there would not be such strong feelings. Ironically, I had been told that the reason his side of the family had moved to California was because of the same tug of war, for the very same reasons that  we were now feeling.

     Thinking I was doing the right thing, seeking acceptance, not seeing how much pain I was causing my own mother, the fact that I felt it was easier to go with the flow. I often did things with the other side of the family. What no one was aware of, including myself, was that it was taking a huge hidden toll on me, I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my mother, her not being able to see the boys as often. It only proved to add more strain to an already strained relationship, all of which surfaced upon her death.

     Why did I do this? Because I wanted to be accepted, a part of said family. From time to time, it felt like it was happening,  yet it was only a glimpse here and there. Then we'd find that nope, we were not pat of the family after all. You noticed I placed we in here, because it was not only affecting myself. My husband and sons began to see a difference, a preference of company kept, which did not include us. Usually though a slip of someone's tongue about a get together that we were not included, a party to or welcome at.

      My husband and I had falling apart, after a lot of struggle we were able to patch things up, come to understand where each person was and had been in life. We understood that it takes two to keep a marriage together and it takes two to have a marriage fall apart. We came to see that outside pressures had an effect on our relationship and vowed not to allow those things to influence our relationship again. One of those areas that took me a long time to accept, was not to be the peace maker, middle person, or any role with family members that could make me a target for their disappointments and or anger.
      Many of our friends took sides, many more refused to take sides, for which I am eternally grateful. Having made a relationship with my father (a long story in itself ) I remember him saying something along the lines of,  as long as your sure, you love each other, you treat each other better and you are happy, then I am happy your working things out.

    Needless to say I was filled with anxiety about being around the other side, not knowing how it would all work out. It seemed to be okay at first. Soon it could be seen that we were being held up to different standards than the rest of his siblings, next thing we knew it had all change. We would be asked for our input, when an attempt to share our input, we were talked over or talked down to, and worst of all never listened too. It bothered my husband immensely.

    These changes was in part due to our strong connection (my husband and myself) as well as due to two meddling souls.

 To those meddling souls: I do not write for you, I write for me and I will not stop writing because you. I choose to continue to write about my feelings. They are how I feel. Quite frankly, you are not me,  you do not have the capability to know what's in my head, nor do you have the capacity of strength to have walked my life, so mind your own business! Oh yeah, I do believe in taking responsibility for my own actions and lack thereof. I own my own BS, mistakes and all.

   I do mention these meddling souls because they are pivotal to where we (my household) are now. For it was in part their influence about untruths, their expectations of what we should and should not do that changed the situation.  For their unable to accept their irresponsible actions, incapable of  being truthful, opening a dialogue to discuss their assumptions made.

*When this came up in discussion with my Sis, she pointed out that people who feel guilty about something are the ones who react, those with no guilt see nothing more than the feeling and the words.*

 Sadly, there is a common thread with the 2 meddlers; lack of capacity to forgive.

    Labeling people is always dangerous for it labels you as well.

    Yes, in the past, I did my share of meddling, though counsel, self searching and making amends, I found that it was better to keep out of such things.
   Frankly, if it has nothing to do with me, than it is none of my business. I am learning when to ask more information, more importantly when not too. This takes a lot of energy, especially if you are as curious as I am.
   As my mate and I have reviewed our part in all of the past eleven years, we came to some realizations, rather stunning from our perspective. Usual relationships within extended families, like spending time with nieces and nephews were not fostered, encouraged, permitted, nor allowed. In hindsight that really stuck the knife in deep. Sadly becoming a self reliant, independent adult was frowned upon.

 It seems pretty plain as day what the writing on the wall says, You are not our family....until we need some labor done.