New Glasses
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This is an older post that I decided to post after a nice talk with my Sis Dee and with some encouragement from my Cousin Mark T.
As I have had many a battle with myself, I see each battle brings more strength, self respect, self love and a voice. I have lived much of my life without a voice. That old saying a child should be seen and not heard, just about says it all.
Yet, my biggest battles have been in the past eleven years, most likely it was just too much all at one time and it surfaced in many different ways. The combination of my mother passing away, my oldest child graduating and his leaving the nest, off to serve in the military. All of this was much to much for me to handle, overwhelming me, little did I know at the time.
I felt as if very few understood what I was going through. What most, hardly anyone did not know, was that my husband was also in a very difficult place in his life, not happy with his occupation at the time, feeling trapped, with all the pressures (which I was unaware of) of providing for his family. Add to that mix he had no idea how to help his mate, which he wanted so badly to help.
I did find some peace through the introduction of a traditional healing sweat lodge, a loving friend who became family and her family. Yet, it wasn't enough or so I thought at the time.
Let me pause, it would seem that I need to back up a bit.
There had been a constant tug of war between my side of the family and my husbands side of the family about holidays, birthdays and the like. For me being the only child of my mother, I always felt conflicted, for my husband had other siblings, several of which were still at home. I didn't understand why there was such lack of understanding, a lack of sharing.
Of course my mother and I did not have the best of relationships, I did not like many of her actions, yet I loved her so very much. From various counselings, teachings, and reading, one thing that I learned, was in order to hate someone or their actions, one had to admit that there was love too, other wise there would not be such strong feelings. Ironically, I had been told that the reason his side of the family had moved to California was because of the same tug of war, for the very same reasons that we were now feeling.
Thinking I was doing the right thing, seeking acceptance, not seeing how much pain I was causing my own mother, the fact that I felt it was easier to go with the flow. I often did things with the other side of the family. What no one was aware of, including myself, was that it was taking a huge hidden toll on me, I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my mother, her not being able to see the boys as often. It only proved to add more strain to an already strained relationship, all of which surfaced upon her death.
Why did I do this? Because I wanted to be accepted, a part of said family. From time to time, it felt like it was happening, yet it was only a glimpse here and there. Then we'd find that nope, we were not pat of the family after all. You noticed I placed we in here, because it was not only affecting myself. My husband and sons began to see a difference, a preference of company kept, which did not include us. Usually though a slip of someone's tongue about a get together that we were not included, a party to or welcome at.
My husband and I had falling apart, after a lot of struggle we were able to patch things up, come to understand where each person was and had been in life. We understood that it takes two to keep a marriage together and it takes two to have a marriage fall apart. We came to see that outside pressures had an effect on our relationship and vowed not to allow those things to influence our relationship again. One of those areas that took me a long time to accept, was not to be the peace maker, middle person, or any role with family members that could make me a target for their disappointments and or anger.
Many of our friends took sides, many more refused to take sides, for which I am eternally grateful. Having made a relationship with my father (a long story in itself ) I remember him saying something along the lines of, as long as your sure, you love each other, you treat each other better and you are happy, then I am happy your working things out.
Needless to say I was filled with anxiety about being around the other side, not knowing how it would all work out. It seemed to be okay at first. Soon it could be seen that we were being held up to different standards than the rest of his siblings, next thing we knew it had all change. We would be asked for our input, when an attempt to share our input, we were talked over or talked down to, and worst of all never listened too. It bothered my husband immensely.
These changes was in part due to our strong connection (my husband and myself) as well as due to two meddling souls.
To those meddling souls: I do not write for you, I write for me and I will not stop writing because you. I choose to continue to write about my feelings. They are how I feel. Quite frankly, you are not me, you do not have the capability to know what's in my head, nor do you have the capacity of strength to have walked my life, so mind your own business! Oh yeah, I do believe in taking responsibility for my own actions and lack thereof. I own my own BS, mistakes and all.
I do mention these meddling souls because they are pivotal to where we (my household) are now. For it was in part their influence about untruths, their expectations of what we should and should not do that changed the situation. For their unable to accept their irresponsible actions, incapable of being truthful, opening a dialogue to discuss their assumptions made.
*When this came up in discussion with my Sis, she pointed out that people who feel guilty about something are the ones who react, those with no guilt see nothing more than the feeling and the words.*
Sadly, there is a common thread with the 2 meddlers; lack of capacity to forgive.
Labeling people is always dangerous for it labels you as well.
Yes, in the past, I did my share of meddling, though counsel, self searching and making amends, I found that it was better to keep out of such things.
Frankly, if it has nothing to do with me, than it is none of my business. I am learning when to ask more information, more importantly when not too. This takes a lot of energy, especially if you are as curious as I am.
As my mate and I have reviewed our part in all of the past eleven years, we came to some realizations, rather stunning from our perspective. Usual relationships within extended families, like spending time with nieces and nephews were not fostered, encouraged, permitted, nor allowed. In hindsight that really stuck the knife in deep. Sadly becoming a self reliant, independent adult was frowned upon.
It seems pretty plain as day what the writing on the wall says, You are not our family....until we need some labor done.
As I have had many a battle with myself, I see each battle brings more strength, self respect, self love and a voice. I have lived much of my life without a voice. That old saying a child should be seen and not heard, just about says it all.
Yet, my biggest battles have been in the past eleven years, most likely it was just too much all at one time and it surfaced in many different ways. The combination of my mother passing away, my oldest child graduating and his leaving the nest, off to serve in the military. All of this was much to much for me to handle, overwhelming me, little did I know at the time.
I felt as if very few understood what I was going through. What most, hardly anyone did not know, was that my husband was also in a very difficult place in his life, not happy with his occupation at the time, feeling trapped, with all the pressures (which I was unaware of) of providing for his family. Add to that mix he had no idea how to help his mate, which he wanted so badly to help.
I did find some peace through the introduction of a traditional healing sweat lodge, a loving friend who became family and her family. Yet, it wasn't enough or so I thought at the time.
Let me pause, it would seem that I need to back up a bit.
There had been a constant tug of war between my side of the family and my husbands side of the family about holidays, birthdays and the like. For me being the only child of my mother, I always felt conflicted, for my husband had other siblings, several of which were still at home. I didn't understand why there was such lack of understanding, a lack of sharing.
Of course my mother and I did not have the best of relationships, I did not like many of her actions, yet I loved her so very much. From various counselings, teachings, and reading, one thing that I learned, was in order to hate someone or their actions, one had to admit that there was love too, other wise there would not be such strong feelings. Ironically, I had been told that the reason his side of the family had moved to California was because of the same tug of war, for the very same reasons that we were now feeling.
Thinking I was doing the right thing, seeking acceptance, not seeing how much pain I was causing my own mother, the fact that I felt it was easier to go with the flow. I often did things with the other side of the family. What no one was aware of, including myself, was that it was taking a huge hidden toll on me, I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my mother, her not being able to see the boys as often. It only proved to add more strain to an already strained relationship, all of which surfaced upon her death.
Why did I do this? Because I wanted to be accepted, a part of said family. From time to time, it felt like it was happening, yet it was only a glimpse here and there. Then we'd find that nope, we were not pat of the family after all. You noticed I placed we in here, because it was not only affecting myself. My husband and sons began to see a difference, a preference of company kept, which did not include us. Usually though a slip of someone's tongue about a get together that we were not included, a party to or welcome at.
My husband and I had falling apart, after a lot of struggle we were able to patch things up, come to understand where each person was and had been in life. We understood that it takes two to keep a marriage together and it takes two to have a marriage fall apart. We came to see that outside pressures had an effect on our relationship and vowed not to allow those things to influence our relationship again. One of those areas that took me a long time to accept, was not to be the peace maker, middle person, or any role with family members that could make me a target for their disappointments and or anger.
Many of our friends took sides, many more refused to take sides, for which I am eternally grateful. Having made a relationship with my father (a long story in itself ) I remember him saying something along the lines of, as long as your sure, you love each other, you treat each other better and you are happy, then I am happy your working things out.
Needless to say I was filled with anxiety about being around the other side, not knowing how it would all work out. It seemed to be okay at first. Soon it could be seen that we were being held up to different standards than the rest of his siblings, next thing we knew it had all change. We would be asked for our input, when an attempt to share our input, we were talked over or talked down to, and worst of all never listened too. It bothered my husband immensely.
These changes was in part due to our strong connection (my husband and myself) as well as due to two meddling souls.
To those meddling souls: I do not write for you, I write for me and I will not stop writing because you. I choose to continue to write about my feelings. They are how I feel. Quite frankly, you are not me, you do not have the capability to know what's in my head, nor do you have the capacity of strength to have walked my life, so mind your own business! Oh yeah, I do believe in taking responsibility for my own actions and lack thereof. I own my own BS, mistakes and all.
I do mention these meddling souls because they are pivotal to where we (my household) are now. For it was in part their influence about untruths, their expectations of what we should and should not do that changed the situation. For their unable to accept their irresponsible actions, incapable of being truthful, opening a dialogue to discuss their assumptions made.
*When this came up in discussion with my Sis, she pointed out that people who feel guilty about something are the ones who react, those with no guilt see nothing more than the feeling and the words.*
Sadly, there is a common thread with the 2 meddlers; lack of capacity to forgive.
Labeling people is always dangerous for it labels you as well.
Yes, in the past, I did my share of meddling, though counsel, self searching and making amends, I found that it was better to keep out of such things.
Frankly, if it has nothing to do with me, than it is none of my business. I am learning when to ask more information, more importantly when not too. This takes a lot of energy, especially if you are as curious as I am.
As my mate and I have reviewed our part in all of the past eleven years, we came to some realizations, rather stunning from our perspective. Usual relationships within extended families, like spending time with nieces and nephews were not fostered, encouraged, permitted, nor allowed. In hindsight that really stuck the knife in deep. Sadly becoming a self reliant, independent adult was frowned upon.
It seems pretty plain as day what the writing on the wall says, You are not our family....until we need some labor done.
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