Random Thoughts

 This is an older post that I decided to post after a nice talk with my Sis Dee and with some encouragement from my Cousin Mark T.

    As I have had many a battle with myself, I see each battle brings more strength, self respect, self love and a voice. I have lived much of my life without a voice. That old saying a child should be seen and not heard, just about says it all.

    Yet, my biggest battles have been in the past eleven years, most likely it was just too much all at one time and it surfaced in many different ways. The combination of my mother passing away, my oldest child graduating and his leaving the nest, off to serve in the military. All of this was much to much for me to handle, overwhelming me, little did I know at the time.

    I felt as if very few understood what I was going through. What most, hardly anyone did not know, was that my husband was also in a very difficult place in his life, not happy with his occupation at the time, feeling trapped, with all the pressures (which I was unaware of) of providing for his family. Add to that mix he had no idea how to help his mate, which he wanted so badly to help.

      I did find some peace through the introduction of a traditional healing sweat lodge, a loving friend who became family and  her family. Yet, it wasn't enough or so I thought at the time.
Let me pause, it would seem that I need to back up a bit.

     There had been a constant tug of war between my side of the family and my husbands side of the family about holidays, birthdays and the like. For me being the only child of my mother, I always felt conflicted, for my husband had other siblings, several of which were still at home. I didn't understand why there was such lack of understanding, a lack of sharing.

   Of course my mother and I did not have the best of relationships, I did not like many of her actions, yet I loved her so very much. From various counselings, teachings,  and reading, one thing that I learned, was in order to hate someone or their actions, one had to admit that there was love too, other wise there would not be such strong feelings. Ironically, I had been told that the reason his side of the family had moved to California was because of the same tug of war, for the very same reasons that  we were now feeling.

     Thinking I was doing the right thing, seeking acceptance, not seeing how much pain I was causing my own mother, the fact that I felt it was easier to go with the flow. I often did things with the other side of the family. What no one was aware of, including myself, was that it was taking a huge hidden toll on me, I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my mother, her not being able to see the boys as often. It only proved to add more strain to an already strained relationship, all of which surfaced upon her death.

     Why did I do this? Because I wanted to be accepted, a part of said family. From time to time, it felt like it was happening,  yet it was only a glimpse here and there. Then we'd find that nope, we were not pat of the family after all. You noticed I placed we in here, because it was not only affecting myself. My husband and sons began to see a difference, a preference of company kept, which did not include us. Usually though a slip of someone's tongue about a get together that we were not included, a party to or welcome at.

      My husband and I had falling apart, after a lot of struggle we were able to patch things up, come to understand where each person was and had been in life. We understood that it takes two to keep a marriage together and it takes two to have a marriage fall apart. We came to see that outside pressures had an effect on our relationship and vowed not to allow those things to influence our relationship again. One of those areas that took me a long time to accept, was not to be the peace maker, middle person, or any role with family members that could make me a target for their disappointments and or anger.
      Many of our friends took sides, many more refused to take sides, for which I am eternally grateful. Having made a relationship with my father (a long story in itself ) I remember him saying something along the lines of,  as long as your sure, you love each other, you treat each other better and you are happy, then I am happy your working things out.

    Needless to say I was filled with anxiety about being around the other side, not knowing how it would all work out. It seemed to be okay at first. Soon it could be seen that we were being held up to different standards than the rest of his siblings, next thing we knew it had all change. We would be asked for our input, when an attempt to share our input, we were talked over or talked down to, and worst of all never listened too. It bothered my husband immensely.

    These changes was in part due to our strong connection (my husband and myself) as well as due to two meddling souls.

 To those meddling souls: I do not write for you, I write for me and I will not stop writing because you. I choose to continue to write about my feelings. They are how I feel. Quite frankly, you are not me,  you do not have the capability to know what's in my head, nor do you have the capacity of strength to have walked my life, so mind your own business! Oh yeah, I do believe in taking responsibility for my own actions and lack thereof. I own my own BS, mistakes and all.

   I do mention these meddling souls because they are pivotal to where we (my household) are now. For it was in part their influence about untruths, their expectations of what we should and should not do that changed the situation.  For their unable to accept their irresponsible actions, incapable of  being truthful, opening a dialogue to discuss their assumptions made.

*When this came up in discussion with my Sis, she pointed out that people who feel guilty about something are the ones who react, those with no guilt see nothing more than the feeling and the words.*

 Sadly, there is a common thread with the 2 meddlers; lack of capacity to forgive.

    Labeling people is always dangerous for it labels you as well.

    Yes, in the past, I did my share of meddling, though counsel, self searching and making amends, I found that it was better to keep out of such things.
   Frankly, if it has nothing to do with me, than it is none of my business. I am learning when to ask more information, more importantly when not too. This takes a lot of energy, especially if you are as curious as I am.
   As my mate and I have reviewed our part in all of the past eleven years, we came to some realizations, rather stunning from our perspective. Usual relationships within extended families, like spending time with nieces and nephews were not fostered, encouraged, permitted, nor allowed. In hindsight that really stuck the knife in deep. Sadly becoming a self reliant, independent adult was frowned upon.

 It seems pretty plain as day what the writing on the wall says, You are not our family....until we need some labor done.
   

Over the years I have attempted to describe how my thoughts work, with little to no luck. The closest I could come was how my husband shared it with a friend many moons ago. He said; "I you imagine her mind as a roulette wheel spinning, as the ball is placed on the wheel, whatever subject that ball touches, that is what is will be talking about".
 Parts of this are very very true, for I am constantly thinking, many days I over think, run past dialogues through my head, sometimes even attempting to see how it might have worked out had I not said this or if I had said that.
 That being said, I have come to a place of faith or belief that everything negative or positive has had to happen for a reason.
 On one hand it seems as if was just yesterday and on another hand it seems like a lifetime ago, it was January 17, 2008, we were driving home after a nice evening out and about. Timothy, Shaun and myself we in a collision on the 10 frwy. some will say it was senseless and that no good could come it. For Timothy, Shaun and myself, it told us that we had something important to do in this life that we had not yet accomplished.  If we had been in one of our old cars at the time, I would not be writing this, Timothy and Christopher would no longer have parents (if Timothy managed to get through the collision). What I see is that even the in the darkest of moments there is a purpose.
 Quite often something will pop into my mind. No reason for this writing today, just taking a cue from a friend, I am just babbling.....See YA

I have been progressing though a journey of 28 days of gratitude, when I read this for tomorrow's suggested practice:

" Ancient spiritual teachings say that what we give to another person with a full heart returns to us a hundredfold. So being grateful and saying thank you to another person for anything you receive from them is not only urgent, it’s vital to improving your life! "

 I was filled with aw and sadness to. I don't know how many times I have not received a "Thank You"; it is the simplest act of kindness one can receive, yet it seems so hard for some to say.   I have some people that had been in my life that saying thank you was like pulling out teeth and after some time, I have become a little harsher when it comes to gift giving. It may sound childish, this is the way I see it, if one can not take the time to say thank you, well then I won't take the time to send another gift to said person.

   For myself this has caused some hard feelings, yet I feel they only have themselves to blame.
   For each person who says thank you for a gift, card, or some other gesture of goodwill I have shared with them, I usually send plenty more good tidings so to speak their way. They feel good, I feel good and it all comes from that classic, timeless, simplest act of kindness.
 
 Might I suggest, that the next time you receive some kind of act of kindness, a gift of any sort, or even a taking time out to visit with you, that you say Thank You....or help the mail service out and send a little card.

I grew up knowing different cultures and religious beliefs, I just can not seem to get my head around the difference of wishing someone a Happy Holiday or A Merry Christmas.
 I did some digging in what I had remembered from having attend a christian school for several years, and what I thought I remembered I was mostly able to find in the modern dictionary. Holiday : a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done. The "y" changes into an "i" when the words became combined.
 From Wikipedia:
The word holiday comes from the Old English word hāligdæg (hālig "holy" + dæg "day").^[1] The word originally referred only to special religious days.

It is really so different if I choose Happy Holiday?  For I may not know what your religious views are and today I am not one to cram my view onto other people. In the past I had and it only resulted in hurt feelings and angered people, that is when I learned to honor and respect other peoples views and beliefs more easily.

 Thinking back on my childhood my mother and grandfather (her father) always sent Holiday or Seasons Greetings cards because both had friends who were Jewish. In some ways this came easy to me.

 Just passing on how I see things, no intended offense meant either.

Miracles ARE all around us! I just read this from a friend of mine in Texas. I had to share this awesome news!

Daniel Beckworth wrote:

It dawned on me the other day that many people have no clue about some old customs of the road.
  It used to be when a driver signaled to merge to the next lane, many people would flash (on, off) their headlights to let the driver know that they were clear to merge over. It was most common place with big rig drivers yet many other drivers did it also.
  When you drove down roads less traveled or smaller 2 lane (one lane each direction) roads, when a driver passed you from an on coming direction you might see them give you a "Hi" sign. Simply holding up an open hand or the fore finger pointing up, a way of acknowledging that they see you. When one travels down dirt roads this too is a common old timer custom. I personally find it  a little silly that some clubs or drivers of particular vehicles (jeeps)  think they created the "Hi" sign, when in fact it dates back to the days of the horse drawn wagons.
  On the flip side I recently noticed a new sign, when there is a caravan traveling on dirt roads the first driver will often hold up a number of fingers noting how many vehicles in his or her party. The last car often holds up a hand in the shape of a zero to let you know that that vehicle is the last in that party.
 When driving down those same roads mentioned previously, don't tailgate, if your in the lead and you have vehicles tailing you, pull off the to the shoulder to allow them to pass when it is safe to do so.
  Don't be surprised to see a vehicle pull off on the shoulder of the road and travel a ways before making a turn. It is not only a way to turn safely off the highway or roadway, it also helps to prevent accidents. When I was being taught to drive by my step father, if the on-coming lane was clear for more than a mile and we were making a left turn, we often would drive on the opposing side of the road to make our left turn. Again preventing accidents and being courteous.
  When traveling down dirt roads around rural homes, I was always taught to be polite and not tear up the roads for those who lived on then. Those people out in the middle of no-where depend and rely on the roads to be passable. My step dad always said, you never know, one of those residents lives may depend on that road being passable.
   Another courtesy in more rural areas is never to move through a closed gate to enter the property. It is customary to honk 2 polite beeps and wait for the residents to come outside. The residents will do one of three things; 1) motion for you to enter. 2) approach the gate, opening it for you, or 3) they will simply approach the gate or fence and speak to you through it.
  Having traveled many of these kinds of roads the majority of my life, I felt is was a good idea to pass on this little bit of old timer stuff to others.
 Safe travels!