Random Thoughts

For the past several years I have tortured myself with caring about people that are full of hate, anger and who are have been down right negative towards myself and my family. Basically, they could care less. For when I was going through a similar experience of a recent one of theirs, with the exception of  1 or 2 the rest were nowhere to be found. I am not stating this out of any anger, resentment nor any other reason except from a point of observation.

 What I find most ironic is how I have been told that I am spoiled and selfish. Yes, I have been spoiled with the love of a great man for me; selfish....maybe but, I an rather happy, which is much better than playing the part of a martyr,  which is really a very selfish form of a controlling person who is miserable.

Where did all of this come from you ask? For simply sharing a photograph with a family member. I did not share for me, I shared it for the family member. Talk about being selfish, not sharing is selfish.

 Well, I have decided to make a huge change, I have made a conscious decision to no longer care, I don't need them, further more, I no longer desire to have this type of person or persons in my life.

 I have walked though all the questions thrown at me, I have stood by my husband 100% and I would not change that for the world. I have walked a life filled with so much abuse I became some what addicted to it, the only difference was it came from outside my immediate family ( husband & kids). It was emotional, psychological and all about control. From what I have learned only insecure people can not share and feel the need to control everything; from my personal experience this type of insecurity is always worried about appearances, thankfully I am aware of that and my personal demon gets smaller and smaller every month or so.

 All those lies, insults and anger will eat at anyone flinging them in our direction. Those who participate in those type of action will eventually have to answer to their maker for such actions, just as will for my actions. I have asked for forgiveness, making necessary changes not to participate in actions which have prompted having to ask for any more forgiveness.

   I am standing strong, holding true to my beliefs and confident in my convictions. Maybe even more so now.

  Moving on to enjoy my life, the one I share with my best friend, my sons, family some by blood and many others who are not, yet family just the same!

 Looking forward to our bright new future free to be who we are.

Don't you just dislike it when you offer to share something of yours with someone else, with the specific words, " You may borrow these, they have great sentimental meaning for me. As the person who gave me these are no longer alive".
 Only to never, ever have these items returned.

Another situation had happened when I had spoke to someone about my grandfather's christening gown. Years later another family thought I was in possession of their christening gown. Difference is my grandfather's gown had his initials embroideried on the back of the garment.

 Sometimes, I wonder about how much people enable poor behavior or responsibilities. Haven't they ever wondered if the those people will fair in case of the enablers death?

 Why do many cigarette smokers believe the entire planet is their ash tray? Not All smokers do this, yet sadly more are less considerate than those I know who are very considerate.

 Giving or sending a gift, not receiving a thank you for it. It doesn't have to be a thank you card, it can be verbal as it is the polite think to do, no matter who you are. My solution after a few gifts, no more gifts.

Why do the crows always doody on my car right after I wash it? He he he, so that maybe I'd wash it more often? I think that is the lesson.

 Respect for traditions, people, and their views appears to be on a downward spiral.

Those who are not happy within their own lives tend to rag or dish the happy people to others who are more than happy to jump on the bandwagon.

 People who taken profuse advantage of other people who are giving, causing the givers silent grief, mental health or sometimes their physical health.

Those who have plenty to say behind your back, but never have the courage to say it to you directly or eye to eye.

Those who can not apologize......Those who will not forgive.

Just ramblings of things that popped into my head at this moment.

   As some of you may have figured out, I am a full blown Gemini which often creates lots of conflict within myself.  Even before I knew the ins and outs of the what the astrological characteristics of a Gemini are, I have always had at least two ideas, emotions, or views on everything.

   As I have grown and adapted to life as it unfolds before me, I have come to accept that internal conflict of  the constant changing of my mind,view, and heart, but not always in a graceful way.

  An example of this conflict happened just this past weekend. I had made a plan for something on Saturday. Upon awaking on Saturday morning, I had a gut feeling that the time was not right for me to be at this planned meet. I made a few calls, changing the plans.

  Instead I spent Saturday in pleasant company with my husband and our dogs looking a property. When we ended up being at home earlier than expected, I thought; "Hey, maybe I can still do that other thing!"  Totally neglecting my gut instinct. I made some calls and it became very apparent that it was not meant to be. That although I did not want to "miss" out, maybe Creator had a different plan for me. I loved what my Sis said "Sometimes, it's worth being left out". As I learned all the detours and obstacles that she experienced along the way I came to understand that despite my change of mind, it wasn't meant to be at all, for myself that is.

   My toughest lesson is to learn how to resolve these conflicting feelings, ideas and emotions in a smooth less emotional way, a more balanced way. With the love and support of my husband, I have been given some tools to do just that.

   I need to make a choice and stick with it, while not ignoring my instincts.

  I am a very fortunate woman, because I have many very loving people in my life.

      I am truly grateful for them all.

 Wishing everyone a bright and wonderful day, never stop learning!

  Just as I see a whole bright, fun, love filled future ahead of me, I see many wonderful people that I know experiencing awesome events in their lives. New loves, new friends, new family and many are moving forward to new physical places in their lives.

  I am so happy to see these people move forward for they inspire me to stay true to what I believe as well as to the goals and intentions I have set for myself, and those to that Shaun and I have made as a couple.

  We have had some amazing spiritual opportunities present themselves which we are preparing to embark on. Woo Who, I am eager to begin.

 The skies the limit, another words limitless. Amazing things are happening in a beautiful way that I had previously only dreamed of. Dreams do come true!

  For those who have really stuck by me through thick, thin, depressed, filled with joy and all those emotions, situations in between, THANK YOU!

  For those changing locations, safe travels and blessings on your new homes. For those with new loves, may you be blessed with great communication and understanding. For those with new friends, may they be ones you will have for a lifetime! And for those with new family members, may you enjoy their love, include them and be blessed with good health.

 In Love and Light~

  I find it interesting how people  will willingly forget things, events, and dates to make them seem above others in the event of a difficulty within a relationship.

   I used to resort to such behavior, and I have come to learn there is a better way to behave. Sure there are things that I do not remember, yet when I tell someone my view or side of things if you will, of a difficulty I often refer to phrases such as: "This is how it made me feel"; "This is how it came across"; "This is how I meant it", and-or "As I remember, but I can't be for sure".  This way it lets people know that I am only giving them information as I remember, intended, or felt it, allowing for flaws as there are always more than two sides to a situation. I have come to know that there are multiple facets.

  In my more youthful days I used to listen to my Daddy Glen who could often be heard saying; "When I was young, I saw everything as being very black and white with very little to no gray areas in between. But as I got older I realized that there was very little black and white, with lots of gray areas between."  I too see this as I have aged. I use the word facets instead of gray, I think the ideas parallel.

  An old difficulty has come up again, for whatever reason, I have come to a few conclusions from rehashing this old difficulty. The people perpetuating the difficulty are either fearful, intimidated to learn the truth, or it could be they do not want to know or accept that their lives or family is not as perfect as the illusion they'd like you to believe.

  If these did not apply then why not simply reach for a phone, do a google search for email, or write a letter asking what is wrong?

  Instead it is much easier to deflect responsibility that they might have to account for, by including outside individuals to do their supposing and assuming for them, spreading speculation, half truths, and attempting to imply shame. All to garner pity, being a victim, and or being a martyr, which are some of the oldest ploys in the book for attempting to control, manipulate individuals, and on a spiritual level to steal energy.

  As long as they continue their ploys, they might never know the answer to their "why".

Sad to know, that I have been in that place at one time or another, the results were undue stress, resentment and guilt. Which got me nowhere.

  Each person will respond in their own way to such a situation, yet if it is never asked than one may never know why things have turned out they way they are.

 Its on them. Do what you will, give it your all and in the end it will not change a thing, until you have the courage to ask why, maybe a little forgiveness. the willingness to listen to another view, acceptance of other's imperfections, the openness to accept life on life's terms, and willingness to give control to the only one who should have it....Creator!

There are times that I really feel sad, sad that other people may not have been blessed with a gift I have or are too fearful of it. You see I am lucky enough not to have to be in the presence of a person to hear their spirit talk, in fact they do not even have to be on this earthly plane, for me to hear them. I feel so blessed that Creator blessed me with this gift, I am grateful for Creator guiding me though my own fear of the unknown and what people would think, do think.
 I am so looking forward to other blessings Creator has bestowed upon me. If it were not for Creator these gifts and blessings would mean nothing.

I just had to share what an awesome man I am married too. He received this today! Woot Woot!

   For some there will come a time in their life that no matter how much they love someone they will have to let them go. I am not speaking about death as in life and death, yet it is a death on some level. 
    I have had a couple of really interesting views that have come to me, some might say it was a vision others may say an altered state of awareness. I do not consider it a dream for I was fully awake.
    I have several of these since the first of January, I do not feel the actual details will have any bearing of the information that I feel I learned from these awareness reels. Like an old fashion movie reel.
    One of the lessons I learned from this reel was that a person was placed in a situation to choose, to choose to between children. Alienating one or risk being alienated from from several others, in my reel the woman felt she had not real choice in the matter for she should never have to choose between her children. I was sad to see this from this facet or angle if you will.
    It reflected on a choice I made on a similar yet different situation in my own life. I choose and continue to choose the happiness of my immediate family. Thus having to let go of people who I really love, but are just too entrenched in drama, negative innuendos, painful remarks disguised as jokes, gossip and that old trait of back stabbing.
   It has been difficult yet, a necessary process for my own inner peace to transverse through.                
   Basically (as Christopher my son would say) if these traits defined our relationship, I have  pretty much distanced or removed you from my life. It does not mean that I do not love you or them any less, it means that I respect myself enough to not tolerated such relationships. My peace of mind, my happiness and that of my family, far out weight any that of any toxic relationship.
    Another lesson learned was to just let them go, no guilt, no resentment, no anger, no waffling, just to let these people go with love. As I let these people go, I send them love, light, wishes for happiness, health, and peace.
  And I move forward in my life, continuing my efforts for  a loving and happy experience, I continue to learn, love and grow.
  Thank fully I have not been in a situation that would make me choose one of my children over then other one. Have I had to let a child go? Yes, when my son joined the Army and was deployed on his first tour over seas. Wow! Was that tough! I just had to have faith in his life path, if he was meant to be with us he would remain relatively safe, if he wasn't I would have to handle that at that point in time.
  I love my children dearly but I also know that for their over all success in life I have to let them go, give them tough love from time to time and know that one day they will have to carry on without me. As my mother instilled tons of strength in me, I only hope that I have done the same for my sons.
  As each person is different, as each family dynamic is different, as each relationship is different, some of what I have shared my resonate with you other parts will disgust you. It is the nature of being human. As always it is not my intent to judge, I simply share my observations, experiences, strength and hope.

This is a pretty amazing young woman that I have had the pleasure of sharing a class with, I am sharing in hopes of helping just a bit.
http://www.gofundme.com/kdimhw

As life would have it, as I wish it to be, things have all worked out of my system. It was rather interesting how it all came about in such a perfect way. I was looking to really move forward in my life, removing any blocks that maybe holding me in place, not allowing for more growth, to be able to let go of "stuff" that is detrimental or of no use at all. I had one situation that no matter how much I thought I had let it go, something would trigger a backlash or moving miles backwards instead of making progress moving through it.
  This letting go, releasing kind of got pushed to the forefront on November 22, 2014. I was attending lodge, we had just closed it and one of our Elders spoke saying that some of the women had some deep emotional scars that were not let go of.  As I walked away I pondered the thought of how sad it was that some of the women had not yet healed.
     Ta Da! Wake up Lesa!
 As I realized that I had a LOT of emotional scars that I had not let go of, some very deep some at the close surface, I turned to look back at the lodge when a large brightly lit green meteor shot across the sky, right over the lodge. I took it as a sign to to get to work on these things, find out how to let them go fully.
  In the meantime I had began working on a personal project of 28 days of gratitude. It was December 12th when I posted the prep for day 15 which was to "magically heal relationships", after completing the post I made a list of who I was going to work on.
The next morning I read lots of posts on face book about letting go; the one that really caught my attention was titled "Release, release, release"! great post about removing "stuff" that had no purpose. Poetically timed I might add for that evening was lodge. PERFECT! I prepared by doing the suggested instructions on magically healing relationships, gathered my items for lodge and really focused on the thought of giving to the fire, the ancestors and spirit of the rocks.
 Oh I had a few doubts about how well it would work, but once I was settled in, next to the rocks (my preferred place to sit) and the sweat began, it just flowed. Many many scars left me that night, praying all the while that old wounds would not be ripped open again. 
 When I left lodge that night on December 13, 2014; I felt so light, ethereal, that I really felt like I could float or fly away. What an awesome gift to be blessed with, I am honored and humbled by this gift, to such a point I have not the words to convey the feeling.
 Did it work? Yes, indeed! It is so wonderful to hear about that situation and have no uncomfortable feelings at all about it, I can not begin to share how totally worth it, it is.
 As always I share these random thoughts in hopes that someone can avoid some of what I have been through, for others to know that they may not be alone, with the overall hope that this might help some one some day.
 Remember those 2 very special words as you walk your road in life, Thank You!
 Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

 This is an older post that I decided to post after a nice talk with my Sis Dee and with some encouragement from my Cousin Mark T.

    As I have had many a battle with myself, I see each battle brings more strength, self respect, self love and a voice. I have lived much of my life without a voice. That old saying a child should be seen and not heard, just about says it all.

    Yet, my biggest battles have been in the past eleven years, most likely it was just too much all at one time and it surfaced in many different ways. The combination of my mother passing away, my oldest child graduating and his leaving the nest, off to serve in the military. All of this was much to much for me to handle, overwhelming me, little did I know at the time.

    I felt as if very few understood what I was going through. What most, hardly anyone did not know, was that my husband was also in a very difficult place in his life, not happy with his occupation at the time, feeling trapped, with all the pressures (which I was unaware of) of providing for his family. Add to that mix he had no idea how to help his mate, which he wanted so badly to help.

      I did find some peace through the introduction of a traditional healing sweat lodge, a loving friend who became family and  her family. Yet, it wasn't enough or so I thought at the time.
Let me pause, it would seem that I need to back up a bit.

     There had been a constant tug of war between my side of the family and my husbands side of the family about holidays, birthdays and the like. For me being the only child of my mother, I always felt conflicted, for my husband had other siblings, several of which were still at home. I didn't understand why there was such lack of understanding, a lack of sharing.

   Of course my mother and I did not have the best of relationships, I did not like many of her actions, yet I loved her so very much. From various counselings, teachings,  and reading, one thing that I learned, was in order to hate someone or their actions, one had to admit that there was love too, other wise there would not be such strong feelings. Ironically, I had been told that the reason his side of the family had moved to California was because of the same tug of war, for the very same reasons that  we were now feeling.

     Thinking I was doing the right thing, seeking acceptance, not seeing how much pain I was causing my own mother, the fact that I felt it was easier to go with the flow. I often did things with the other side of the family. What no one was aware of, including myself, was that it was taking a huge hidden toll on me, I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my mother, her not being able to see the boys as often. It only proved to add more strain to an already strained relationship, all of which surfaced upon her death.

     Why did I do this? Because I wanted to be accepted, a part of said family. From time to time, it felt like it was happening,  yet it was only a glimpse here and there. Then we'd find that nope, we were not pat of the family after all. You noticed I placed we in here, because it was not only affecting myself. My husband and sons began to see a difference, a preference of company kept, which did not include us. Usually though a slip of someone's tongue about a get together that we were not included, a party to or welcome at.

      My husband and I had falling apart, after a lot of struggle we were able to patch things up, come to understand where each person was and had been in life. We understood that it takes two to keep a marriage together and it takes two to have a marriage fall apart. We came to see that outside pressures had an effect on our relationship and vowed not to allow those things to influence our relationship again. One of those areas that took me a long time to accept, was not to be the peace maker, middle person, or any role with family members that could make me a target for their disappointments and or anger.
      Many of our friends took sides, many more refused to take sides, for which I am eternally grateful. Having made a relationship with my father (a long story in itself ) I remember him saying something along the lines of,  as long as your sure, you love each other, you treat each other better and you are happy, then I am happy your working things out.

    Needless to say I was filled with anxiety about being around the other side, not knowing how it would all work out. It seemed to be okay at first. Soon it could be seen that we were being held up to different standards than the rest of his siblings, next thing we knew it had all change. We would be asked for our input, when an attempt to share our input, we were talked over or talked down to, and worst of all never listened too. It bothered my husband immensely.

    These changes was in part due to our strong connection (my husband and myself) as well as due to two meddling souls.

 To those meddling souls: I do not write for you, I write for me and I will not stop writing because you. I choose to continue to write about my feelings. They are how I feel. Quite frankly, you are not me,  you do not have the capability to know what's in my head, nor do you have the capacity of strength to have walked my life, so mind your own business! Oh yeah, I do believe in taking responsibility for my own actions and lack thereof. I own my own BS, mistakes and all.

   I do mention these meddling souls because they are pivotal to where we (my household) are now. For it was in part their influence about untruths, their expectations of what we should and should not do that changed the situation.  For their unable to accept their irresponsible actions, incapable of  being truthful, opening a dialogue to discuss their assumptions made.

*When this came up in discussion with my Sis, she pointed out that people who feel guilty about something are the ones who react, those with no guilt see nothing more than the feeling and the words.*

 Sadly, there is a common thread with the 2 meddlers; lack of capacity to forgive.

    Labeling people is always dangerous for it labels you as well.

    Yes, in the past, I did my share of meddling, though counsel, self searching and making amends, I found that it was better to keep out of such things.
   Frankly, if it has nothing to do with me, than it is none of my business. I am learning when to ask more information, more importantly when not too. This takes a lot of energy, especially if you are as curious as I am.
   As my mate and I have reviewed our part in all of the past eleven years, we came to some realizations, rather stunning from our perspective. Usual relationships within extended families, like spending time with nieces and nephews were not fostered, encouraged, permitted, nor allowed. In hindsight that really stuck the knife in deep. Sadly becoming a self reliant, independent adult was frowned upon.

 It seems pretty plain as day what the writing on the wall says, You are not our family....until we need some labor done.
   

Over the years I have attempted to describe how my thoughts work, with little to no luck. The closest I could come was how my husband shared it with a friend many moons ago. He said; "I you imagine her mind as a roulette wheel spinning, as the ball is placed on the wheel, whatever subject that ball touches, that is what is will be talking about".
 Parts of this are very very true, for I am constantly thinking, many days I over think, run past dialogues through my head, sometimes even attempting to see how it might have worked out had I not said this or if I had said that.
 That being said, I have come to a place of faith or belief that everything negative or positive has had to happen for a reason.
 On one hand it seems as if was just yesterday and on another hand it seems like a lifetime ago, it was January 17, 2008, we were driving home after a nice evening out and about. Timothy, Shaun and myself we in a collision on the 10 frwy. some will say it was senseless and that no good could come it. For Timothy, Shaun and myself, it told us that we had something important to do in this life that we had not yet accomplished.  If we had been in one of our old cars at the time, I would not be writing this, Timothy and Christopher would no longer have parents (if Timothy managed to get through the collision). What I see is that even the in the darkest of moments there is a purpose.
 Quite often something will pop into my mind. No reason for this writing today, just taking a cue from a friend, I am just babbling.....See YA

I have been progressing though a journey of 28 days of gratitude, when I read this for tomorrow's suggested practice:

" Ancient spiritual teachings say that what we give to another person with a full heart returns to us a hundredfold. So being grateful and saying thank you to another person for anything you receive from them is not only urgent, it’s vital to improving your life! "

 I was filled with aw and sadness to. I don't know how many times I have not received a "Thank You"; it is the simplest act of kindness one can receive, yet it seems so hard for some to say.   I have some people that had been in my life that saying thank you was like pulling out teeth and after some time, I have become a little harsher when it comes to gift giving. It may sound childish, this is the way I see it, if one can not take the time to say thank you, well then I won't take the time to send another gift to said person.

   For myself this has caused some hard feelings, yet I feel they only have themselves to blame.
   For each person who says thank you for a gift, card, or some other gesture of goodwill I have shared with them, I usually send plenty more good tidings so to speak their way. They feel good, I feel good and it all comes from that classic, timeless, simplest act of kindness.
 
 Might I suggest, that the next time you receive some kind of act of kindness, a gift of any sort, or even a taking time out to visit with you, that you say Thank You....or help the mail service out and send a little card.

I grew up knowing different cultures and religious beliefs, I just can not seem to get my head around the difference of wishing someone a Happy Holiday or A Merry Christmas.
 I did some digging in what I had remembered from having attend a christian school for several years, and what I thought I remembered I was mostly able to find in the modern dictionary. Holiday : a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done. The "y" changes into an "i" when the words became combined.
 From Wikipedia:
The word holiday comes from the Old English word hāligdæg (hālig "holy" + dæg "day").^[1] The word originally referred only to special religious days.

It is really so different if I choose Happy Holiday?  For I may not know what your religious views are and today I am not one to cram my view onto other people. In the past I had and it only resulted in hurt feelings and angered people, that is when I learned to honor and respect other peoples views and beliefs more easily.

 Thinking back on my childhood my mother and grandfather (her father) always sent Holiday or Seasons Greetings cards because both had friends who were Jewish. In some ways this came easy to me.

 Just passing on how I see things, no intended offense meant either.

Miracles ARE all around us! I just read this from a friend of mine in Texas. I had to share this awesome news!

Daniel Beckworth wrote:

It dawned on me the other day that many people have no clue about some old customs of the road.
  It used to be when a driver signaled to merge to the next lane, many people would flash (on, off) their headlights to let the driver know that they were clear to merge over. It was most common place with big rig drivers yet many other drivers did it also.
  When you drove down roads less traveled or smaller 2 lane (one lane each direction) roads, when a driver passed you from an on coming direction you might see them give you a "Hi" sign. Simply holding up an open hand or the fore finger pointing up, a way of acknowledging that they see you. When one travels down dirt roads this too is a common old timer custom. I personally find it  a little silly that some clubs or drivers of particular vehicles (jeeps)  think they created the "Hi" sign, when in fact it dates back to the days of the horse drawn wagons.
  On the flip side I recently noticed a new sign, when there is a caravan traveling on dirt roads the first driver will often hold up a number of fingers noting how many vehicles in his or her party. The last car often holds up a hand in the shape of a zero to let you know that that vehicle is the last in that party.
 When driving down those same roads mentioned previously, don't tailgate, if your in the lead and you have vehicles tailing you, pull off the to the shoulder to allow them to pass when it is safe to do so.
  Don't be surprised to see a vehicle pull off on the shoulder of the road and travel a ways before making a turn. It is not only a way to turn safely off the highway or roadway, it also helps to prevent accidents. When I was being taught to drive by my step father, if the on-coming lane was clear for more than a mile and we were making a left turn, we often would drive on the opposing side of the road to make our left turn. Again preventing accidents and being courteous.
  When traveling down dirt roads around rural homes, I was always taught to be polite and not tear up the roads for those who lived on then. Those people out in the middle of no-where depend and rely on the roads to be passable. My step dad always said, you never know, one of those residents lives may depend on that road being passable.
   Another courtesy in more rural areas is never to move through a closed gate to enter the property. It is customary to honk 2 polite beeps and wait for the residents to come outside. The residents will do one of three things; 1) motion for you to enter. 2) approach the gate, opening it for you, or 3) they will simply approach the gate or fence and speak to you through it.
  Having traveled many of these kinds of roads the majority of my life, I felt is was a good idea to pass on this little bit of old timer stuff to others.
 Safe travels!